Can we Learn Anything from MAFS?

Maybe....

Since Harry’s moved in and a TV has been installed in my living space, I have watched more TV than I have in the last 10 years!

Now, I know that is not necessarily a good thing, but one show I have really become invested in is MAFS (Married at First Sight).

Putting aside the thought that they are all actors and/or influencers wanting social media exposure, and that the producers are portraying the “experiment” participants in a certain way to boost ratings…..what can we learn from MAFS.

It is not often we get to be voyeurs in others relationships. Especially the bit that happens “behind closed doors”. Even more rare is it to have a commentary from an “expert panel” about what is happening, what is acceptable/unacceptable and advice on how to resolve issues.

After the dinner party a week ago, probably unsurprisingly, I am going to focus on Jack. His behaviour. His effect on his victims (yes there are more than one).

As background, Jack is (or is portrayed as) a case book Intimate Partner Abuser of the coercive control type.

Victim 1: Tori

The first thing to recognise is how Jack has turned Tori’s strength into her weakness. Tori’s strength is “being a strong, independent woman who stands up for herself and those who are important to her”. She states this in her introduction video.

Jack is attentive to Tori, initially, whilst he works out what she values. He then mirrors her values back to her by expressing how much he loves these qualities in her (note: this is the complete opposite of what he said in HIS introduction video, where he specifically states he likes to be dominant and wants a submissive “trad” woman).

Jack then uses Tori’s values against her. He reinforces over and over and over again how “strong” they are as a couple, how strong their support for one another is, how much he loves when she is strong and defends him.  Being strong is hardwired into Tori’s nervous system. She is completely blinded to his control of her thoughts and actions, as she strives for the constant hits of dopamine her brain gets from being “strong”.

Victim 2: Jono

Jono is a good, kind man. The kind of man who makes a good partner. Jack realises though that Jono is perhaps not the most assertive man and uses to great affect the “bro code”. He grooms Jono by involving him in “locker room banter” making him feel like he is in a special club, and that loyalty to the club is sacrosanct. Note, Jack does not like Jono, he is only using him so he can call on his loyalty and devotion when he needs it. He did this at the dinner party, cornering Jono into supporting him over Jono’s own wife.

Victim 3: Lauren (Jono’s wife, and good friend of Tori)

Lauren is loud and opinionated in a world that doesn’t like loud opinionated women. Jack, unsurprisingly, detests Lauren. At the dinner party when Lauren confronts Jack with his “locker room banter” about not being attracted to his wife and being willing to offer her up to other men to f..k, he loses his shit and tells Jono to “muzzle your woman”. Following this, Jack expertly manages to shift the blame of his disgusting comment to Lauren. Because her confronting him, MADE him say it. He then calls on Jono’s loyalty, and gets his support, literally leaving his own wife high and dry damaging the trust in their relationship (two birds, one stone). He also calls on Tori to show her strength by displaying their solidarity as a couple, and thus abandoning her supportive friend.

Victim 4: All the men

Whilst this show down, “muzzle your woman” shit is going on, no man speaks up. On the Sunday “couch therapy” session John Aiken calls the men out. He states the obvious, that they all stood by when another man abused a woman. This happens every day, a million times over. Good men stand by whilst woman are abused, because they do not have the words or actions for how to step up readily at hand.

So what have we learned from Jack and his victims.

Jack – is an arsehole, and what he is doing is criminal in a growing number of states of Australia.

Tori – when others recognise controlling behaviour in your partner, be curious and consider the red flags you are blind too.

Jono – men, and others in the community are groomed too. For the love of God, when abusive behaviour is revealed by a victim or called out by an observer, don’t jump in with the “but he is a good guy in the gym” shit. Of course he bloody is, that is how he manipulates you.

Other men – need to develop skills to step up and speak up.

Lauren – is a hero. She is calling out Jack and his abusive behaviour to his face, she is trying to help her friend see the red flags, she doesn’t let Jack win by destroying her relationship with Jono (it takes a hit, but so far it is not a terminal one).

Let’s all be a little more Lauren, and a lot less Jack.