How abusers fool the people around them

Or...I can't believe it; he is such a nice guy.

I saw a post on Molly’s Facebook profile the other day. It was a direct message to me from the Aunty of Molly’s abuser. The Aunty lives in the US, has met Molly perhaps a few times at most, and never met me, her siblings, or any of her extended family and friends. Her only point of reference is Molly’s abuser and his enabling mother.

It is a wonderful example of how an abuser grooms the people around them to garner support and how through gaslighting and DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and offender) they try to change the narrative around the abuse.

Now there is a lot to unpack here, so buckle up. The level of anger directed at me is next level. It is the level of anger often seen by people who are guilty of something. You know….like when a partner is accused of cheating, and they launch into a tirade of abuse about how unstable, untrustworthy, unsupportive, and unloving you are. How dare you question them! Then some time passes, and low and behold the accusation is no longer an accusation, it is the truth. I don’t know yet what she is guilty of (I have my suspicions), but I am sure it will become known in the fullness of time.

Whether or not you believe me to be a fake person is I guess a matter of opinion, but from my perspective, authenticity is one of my personal values. At work, where I am a Leader, I have undertaken a full “363 Leadership” review. Feedback from this shows that I am considered sincere, trustworthy, non-judgemental, and fair in decision-making. I’m also known for staying calm and cool under pressure.

Molly and I had, and still have a great relationship. Through everything, our bond has never broken. She told me many things she didn’t discuss with other people. She trusted me and my advice. We rarely argued, but when we did I learned to sit back and wait a while. The reason for the disagreement would reveal itself soon enough, at which time addressing the real issue was much easier.

From the time Molly married her abuser, she contacted me 6 or 7 times wanting to leave him and the US. When they lived in Australia I was aware of the sexual/ reproductive abuse (prohibiting hormonal birth control, withholding affection, and demanding sex acts like fellatio that she didn’t want to perform), financial abuse (Molly had to pay all the rent, internet, and groceries). However, once she went to the US she also started to tell me about the verbal and physical abuse. Whilst I didn’t appreciate the full extent of the abuse until after her death, I (like I think any other parent would) tried to ensure her safety and to provide her with as much support as possible when she called me in distress. I wanted her to be able to make the decision to leave, on her own terms, but for her to know that as her mum, I always had her back.

Whilst she was isolated and alone in the US, with no family or friends, Molly’s abuser called her a slut, pathetic cunt, whore, and stupid. She was told she was useless and had never achieved anything. The financial abuse included being told she was a drain, being chastised for spending money, constantly being harassed to ask me for money, and being left with no money to buy basic necessities like tampons or toilet paper. One physical assault left her with a black eye.

This apparently, to supporters of Molly’s abuser, is “making mountains out of molehills”, “a balance of their own” and just “shitty conversations”, as all marriages have. But it is definitely not abuse. No, no, no. I mean abusers exist, obviously. But there’s nothing to see here. Their relationship was not poor because of abuse, but because I was a terrible mother-in-law and a thorn in their side.

I was so terrible, that I gave them $5000 worth of food for their wedding present, so they could afford to eat. I bought them a bed and bedding so they didn’t have to sleep on the floor. I bought them a lounge suite because the one they had had huge holes in it. Literally, the only decent furniture they had (bar the TV), I had bought them. Even then, in the police report after her death, they commented that the house had “a limited amount of furniture”. I gave them gift vouchers for Walgreens, Easter boxes of goodies. We made our family celebration Wattsapp calls when her abuser was home, so he was included whenever possible.

There are specifically a couple of things she talks about in her little rant below, which I will highlight as gaslighting by proxy. The Aunty of Molly’s abuser was not witness to any of these events and hence her only knowledge of them comes from the stories she has heard secondhand.

Firstly, Molly’s drug use and homelessness. It probably doesn’t need to be said, but I will say it anyway, I never “let” Molly have sex for drugs. I wasn’t even aware that the relationship with her school friend’s 43yo father was sexual until some time later. During this very difficult time, I contacted numerous rehabilitation clinics trying to get help. There were no services for 16 yo, violent, methamphetamine users. None. I had her admitted to hospital to get some short-term relief. And as no rehab service would take her, I undertook a home methamphetamine detox protocol under the guidance of her GP. This was a harrowing and terrifying experience. She screamed, banged her head on the walls, and scratched herself to pieces. She made it to day 6 and then left our home.

By this stage, she had pulled a knife on her brother twice and kicked in his bedroom door. Her older sister was so traumatised I found her rocking in the corner. I had to put our safety first. So from this time, until she made a choice to stop using methamphetamine, Molly was not allowed back into our house. Did I want Molly to be homeless? Hell no, but given the same choices today, I would make the same decision.

She was homeless for a little over a week. I kept in constant contact with her. I made arrangements for her to access crisis care accommodation in Leederville. But then she moved into a friend’s house with his mum. This friend would go on to become her abuser.

It is probably worth mentioning at this point that this friend set up some very unusual rules for Molly to live by, shortly after she moved in. He changed her board arrangements so that instead of me paying his mum by direct debit, the money had to go to him in cash. He also said she needed a job by a certain date. When she hadn’t got one (she was trying) he kicked her out of the house. She was homeless for around 1 to 2 weeks, although she spent about 3 days with me and my friends over the Mother’s Day weekend holidaying down south.

From this point on, thankfully, she remained clean and off intravenous drugs. She attended psychology appts, GP appts and went back to school. I drove her to all her appointments and paid for all her health care. I drove her to school and gave her a job.

Honestly, I think I deserve recognition for how well I managed this whole period of Molly’s life. Mother of the Year? Perhaps not, but I think I came pretty close.

Secondly, I never blamed Molly for my marriage breakdown. I never said this to her even once, not even by way of a joke. Molly was only 1 when her Dad and I separated, so unlike her older siblings, she never knew him and never really had any context as to what happened. I occasionally would discuss various elements around the breakdown of our marriage, in age-appropriate ways, when any of the kids asked. But, I probably didn’t appreciate until much later that Molly never really asked any questions of her own.

When she was in her mid to late teens we discussed our marriage breakdown in great detail. I told her what happened, both during our marriage and at the end. It was the first time that she told me that she had always believed it was her fault. I was blown away. I reassured her that this was not the case. That she was a gift, a very much loved gift, and her Dad’s choices were nothing to do with her having been born.

Molly longed to have a relationship with her Dad but was scared to do so. Anyone who has been abandoned by a parent will understand her concerns and fears. I had always told the kids I would support them if they wanted to contact or see their Dad. I had supported her older sister a few years earlier when she reached out to him.

After I visited Molly in Vegas in June 2022, where we discussed again her desire to contact her Dad, I gave her his contact details so she could reach out to him. She bravely did this and they had just started communicating when she died. I am so proud of her for taking this huge step.

Thirdly, Molly's not “wanting to come home to Australia” had little to do with me and my supposed shitty parenting and more to do with her abuser’s ongoing abuse. He continually threatened suicide, a common tactic to make the victim feel they are to blame for the abuser’s emotional state. He had a single-vehicle car accident which he told Molly was a suicide attempt. Molly was extremely compassionate and empathetic, and I saw the distress that these threats caused her. On the day of her death, he posted a Facebook picture of him sitting on a very high building with his legs dangling over the edge. There were many comments of concern under the picture. It was an obvious “threat” intended to distress Molly.

Her abuser also told her repeatedly that she would become a drug user again if she came back to Perth. This had a very negative impact on her confidence and left her helpless and hopeless.

As for the “Vlog” mentioned, I have a copy of everything off Molly’s phone. In the video, made about a week before her death, Molly says I am amazing. It goes for something like 23 minutes and is overall pretty awful…outlining some of the most traumatic experiences of her life, including her abuser making her give him blow jobs, but not kissing her (something which troubled her deeply). He went on to violate her privacy by posting the video on Facebook.

There is something the Aunty of Molly’s abuser says that is true. Molly loved her abuser fiercely. She desperately wanted to make him happy and have a healthy marriage. The problem is you can’t love someone enough to stop the abuse. There is nothing the victim can do to make the marriage healthy. The abuser chooses to abuse because it gives them what they want in the relationship, power, and control.

Do I blame the Aunty of Molly’s abuser for her opinion of me? No, not really. Dr Emma Katz, the globally respected expert in coercive control, domestic violence, and domestic abuse, emphasises that it is very difficult to pick an abuser. They are charming to those around them. They are pathological liars who spin a good story. They make their victims sound crazy. It’s why the media narrative is so often “that they were a good bloke”. They not only groom their primary victim but the rest of the community as well. That’s part of their tactic and why they go undetected for so long. It’s why victims are so often not believed.

I believed Molly when she was alive. I believe her now in death.

Anyway, I suspect that given the level of hate oozing from every word in this Facebook post that the Aunty of Molly’s abuser is unlikely to buy my book when it is published. Perhaps I will send her a complimentary copy ;)

And in the meantime, if you want to go onto Molly’s Facebook page and report the post for harassment of me, please feel free. I only request you don’t make any comments in response. I think it is vile enough that someone would post this on the timeline of someone who has died…I don’t want those of us who truly loved Molly to desecrate her memory any more than it has been.

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