Redefining Domestic Violence

And why it matters

In July 2022 my beautiful 22yo daughter, Molly, ended her own life because of Intimate Partner Torture (IPT).  Molly was kind and compassionate. She was the sparkle in our family. 

Today I wanted to share with you three things I wished I had known before her death.

1.       Anytime a victim of IPT is brave enough to share any part of her story with you, she is minimizing the experience. They have been repeatedly told by the perpetrator that they are the cause of their abusive behaviour. Because of this they feel shame and guilt and have internalized deep feelings of self-blame. They have also been “trained” by the perpetrator to use minimizing language such as arguing, fighting, disagreement or quarrel. As such, their experience is always much worse than they say.

2.       Language matters. As a community we have been consistently exposed to language that trivializes the seriousness of IPT.  The term domestic conjures up a sense of homeliness; domestic cats, domestic work, domestic airport. Violence and abuse may seem like strong terms, but they do not adequately describe the experience. During the Korean war US soldiers who were Prisoners of War (PoW) were subjected to a form of abuse (later termed coercive control) which was designed to psychologically break them down (Bidermanschartofcoercion.pdf (strath.ac.uk)).  In 1973 coercive control was listed by Amnesty International as a tool of torture. The techniques used by perpetrators of IPT follow the same steps taken to psychologically break down highly trained military soldiers. Notably women who are victims of IPT are at a disadvantage compared with PoW’s as the perpetrator of their torture can use the knowledge they have built up over the course of their relationship against them. The torture is not random. It is personalized and targeted against the victim.

3.       Whilst around 50-60 women are murdered by their intimate partner (or former intimate partner) each year in Australia, another 400-450 women who are know victims of IPT end their own lives. Women are left helpless and hopeless and are a much bigger threat to themselves than has previously been recognized (Investigation into family and domestic violence and suicide Volume 1: Executive Summary (ombudsman.wa.gov.au)).

So, what can you do to improve the future for women who are victims of IPT?

·        Firstly, if a woman discloses abuse, believe them, and validate their experience. Understand that whatever they tell you is only the tip of the iceberg. Help them to understand that what they are experiencing is a form of torture, and they are NOT to blame. And yes, even the occasional “acts of kindness” are part of the torture process.

·        Change the narrative by changing the language you use when you are talking about domestic violence/abuse.  Call it what it is, Intimate Partner Torture.

·        Help keep victims safe. Help them work through safe exit plans to keep themselves physically safe, remembering the victim is the person best placed to know what safety looks like to them. Also recognize the need to protect their mind from the emotional/ psychological torture. This may be as simple as saying “I believe you”, “I will always be here for you” or “I will not judge you”. For my daughter it also included doing breathing exercises to try and get her out of the “fight, flight, freeze” response. The “Be There” app is a wonderful resource (Be There App – A domestic violence bystander support app). 

Above all, love them unconditionally so they can take the hugely courageous steps needed to gain their freedom, in their own time. Their lives are depending on it.